What's in my bag?

Today I have a screwed up receipt, some knotted cables, a packet of anti-depressents, a pair of ugly knickers and a broken sunglasses case. 

The election and what it means for me and my family

For young, working class and educated people everywhere I can imagine they were yelling every name under the sun when the Tory's were elected again. It's been really hard these past few days for me to try and sweep it under the carpet and worry about it later down the line. As someone from a very working class background it's hit me hard. My mum actually works at a family run pre-school, who seem to put all their hard earned cash back into the company because the government doesn't seem to provide enough for it to run. Not only that but she is on a measly £100 a week, yes you heard correctly. Many of you are probably asking why on earth she would stay at such a low paid job? Why wouldn't she get an extra job or throw the towel in all together and apply for something new? She's a hard working mum (who don't get me wrong has worked all her life) but she simply enjoys working with children and giving something back to the community. 

Every day in my house is a battle, a new tax letter through the door that my mum's scared to open, searching under every sofa and crack in the floor for some pennies for the bus. It's horrible and it has really opened my eyes to the every day poverty going on in the UK. We do try however to not focus on the negative. Our house is always full of laughter (and the occasional argument) and I have always tried to take the reigns and be the father figure in the house since my dad left. My mum was very much in love with my dad and I believe she always thought she would be with him. He was the 'breadwinner' as we call it and she worked at the pre-school as she does now. When he left, he moved into a beautiful house with his beautiful girlfriend and left my mum quite literally in the shit. At this point in my life I believed the government would have helped my mum, regardless of the fact she refuses to go on benefits. In the space of a day she was now a single mum of two, the sole breadwinner of the house and somehow had to juggle both. I know many women do this but usually there's a helping hand or someone to look after the children whilst you go to work. Even now, 7 years after my dad left us she's struggling more than ever. She buys white bread even though we don't like it because it's 20p cheaper. She's offered milk from her work because we can't afford it. A full fridge is a rarity and biscuits in the house is a luxury. This is only one of the reasons why I'm finding it hard as to why people voted tory, even though from looking online the choice seems to be because it helps themselves. I've always been a giving person and usually put people before myself, which I agree isn't necessarily a good thing. But I believe as a country and especially if you have a good life with hardly any struggle, you should be thinking of other people before yourself. My mum who has worked three jobs at a time, who puts children with a horrible upbringing before her own income, who would sell anything to give me and my brother a better life... these are the people you should be thinking of when voting. 

The morning I woke up on the day of the election, my mum came into my room. I didn't even have to ask which party had won, the worry and panic plastered across her face explained it all. I simply sat up, sipped my tea in silence and thought 'what the fuck are we going to do now?' The struggle doesn't stop there, I graduated 2 years ago and have done a ridiculous amount of internships, mostly unpaid purely to get my foot in the door. The majority fucked me over, with he words 'slave labour' coming into mind. Even the odd paid internship fucked me over, paying me incorrectly, forgetting to pay me and promising me things that would never happen. This proves a problem for me and my family. Most people my age are paying rent to their parents, actually... most have moved out. I can't, I don't think there's anything more I could be doing to build up my CV to get one step closer to that permanent paid job. I've been on jobseekers but had to quit after being surrounded by alcoholics, perverts and abusive people who were bringing my mental health down. I recently read a statistic that you apply for 30 jobs before getting offered one. I'm unsure who wrote this but this cannot be accurate, at least not for me. I've probably applied for 10 jobs a day for the past 2 years and still get nothing, not even a polite reply telling me I haven't got the job. This is where the horrible cycle starts, apply for countless jobs, don't get responses, you feel worthless, your mum can't feed the family on her own, you get unbelievably depressed and so on. As someone that suffers with depression and OCD you can imagine how the smallest rejection can set me off. Now try 300 rejections, plus a parent that can't manage (who also suffers from depression), a dad that's living the highlife and wants to sell our house, plus a complete feeling of worthlessness. 

This may all sound very open, depressing and ridiculous but I simply want people to see what it's like in 1 household, let alone thousands. I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact we have a Conservative government for another 5 years and I'm sure many other families are too. Families out there that are solely relying on food banks and donations to get by, how fucking wrong is that? With the way the government is going myself and my family won't be in this house anymore, eating out will be a memory and we won't know where to turn. I don't want you all feeling sorry for me, I have a good life, my mum has great support from her kids and we have our health. The worrying thing is our life could be turned upside down in an instant and it's all down to the selfish people that have no idea what's happening to the next person. 

I simply want people to open their eyes a little bit, so please do.

My experience with OCD

With the upsetting and unfortunate passing of Robin Williams last year, the subject of mental health hit an all time high. Everyone seemed to be discussing it, with many seeing it in a different light. But a handful of people were asking a bunch of bizarre questions. Why would he kill himself if he was so famous? But he was so rich? Everyone loved him? For people that suffer with mental health issues, like myself - we understand that it can effect absolutely anyone with no concern for wealth or success. 

When my Dad left my Mum when I was in senior school I started feeling extremely uneasy with the way I was thinking. Quite rightly this may have been due to the effect their divorce had on me and my mental health issues developing from this, but maybe not. From the age of around 12 I was slowly showing signs of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - touching surfaces with my fingers all at the appropriate time, switching the lights off numerous amounts of times. Even my first proper relationship ended most likely due to the fact I asked him to check the oven 32 times in one night as I had a fear the house would set on fire. At this tender age you can imagine how scared I was, I couldn't stop the rituals - whether it was picking countless bits of fluff from my floor or telling myself to spell 'Hello' with my foot every time I went to the cinema to prevent my family member from dying. Crazy huh? As I grew older, depending on my stress levels and emotional relationships it would either get drastically better or horridly worse. I wouldn't get any sleep, jumping up and down from my bunk bed to examine the carpet, looking at all corners of the ceiling to make sure nothing was there. The impact of these rituals left me mentally and physically exhausted, to the point where I bravely visited the doctors in my early teens and embarrassingly explained things I was doing. It took a few appointments to fully own up to every little thing I was doing - so the doctor signed me up for a group session on OCD, which was something I had never heard of. 

When I look back at this, I was really brave. At this point I was doing my exams at school, my Dad had left within the year or so and my mum was suffering heavily with depression. I had absolutely no idea what OCD was. I genuinely thought this was something only I was doing. Will they tell me off? Will they send me to the hospital? Will I go to a mental institution? Honestly, all these thoughts were whizzing through my head to the point where I nearly cancelled. Obviously I attended, I thought at this point I need all the help I can get, whether thats therapy or simply meeting others that are going through the same thing (if there were any?). Attending the meeting was probably the best thing that has happened for me, mental health wise. Not because I particularly enjoyed it or enjoyed putting myself out there and saying 'I HAVE PROBLEMS EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!', but because it was unbelievably reassuring to see other people suffering with this condition. I met people who couldn't drive even though they had a driving licence - because they were afraid they would hurt people. So therefore would walk or take the longer option of public transport to prevent the panic continuing. I met a man who had a couple of anti bacterial lotions in his pocket (just for the session), so he could wash his hands continuously. As a young girl, this scared the absolute crap out out of me - I thought my 'issues' were bad but it frightened me as I looked at it as my future.

I continued attending a few more classes and then decided to stop going. This wasn't because I gave up, I just didn't think group sessions were the way to go for me. Regardless, I felt that I got what I came for - which was meeting people with the same issue which helped more than any therapy could! Thankfully, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a condition that as time goes on is getting more attention and help surrounding it. It's actually estimated that around 12 in every 1,000 people in the UK are affected by the condition which may seem small but really it isn't. 

The reason behind me sharing my experience with this condition is that regardless of the attention OCD is getting, I feel there is still a lack of support surrounding it. Whether you have a mental health issue or not, whether it's OCD or bipolar - talk about it, it helps more than anything. Even though I still suffer now, I got through it by having a really supportive family, friends and a boyfriend who are positive and open with me when I speak about 'taboo' subjects. We shouldn't be ashamed of our mental health issues so I plead that you talk about it more.

Click here for a really insightful article on the condition.